We are already into February – it’s crazy! 1 month until vacation…3.5 months until the marathon…less than 11 months until the wedding – it all seems like it’s going to be here before I know it! The beginning of each month, not only makes me look forward to what is to come, but to look back at the past month and think of what has progressed. This year I’ve been focusing on my one-word – AWARE. I’m not even close to being aware every moment, let alone every day, but I have started to incorporate it more into my life and along the way I’m not only learning more about myself, but more about the world around me.
I’ve continued to look into my stomach issues throughout 2013. I’m making some gains, which mostly consist of confirming what I already know and that is mainly what foods just do not work (which has mostly been observed by the little “indulgences” every once in awhile). But I’ve also learned something else that I didn’t expect. I have viewed this “experiment” with healing my body as this vulnerable, inquisitive journey in which I’ve found the courage to let go of everything I’ve feared or thought I knew and start from the beginning. But (at times) the deeper that I go within, the more I ask “why” or “how” or “what else can I do,” the need to get to this “perfect state” grows and I’ve begun to slip into a VERY common routine of mine that occurs with most of my goals – micromanaging. At some point, a switch flips and I go from an “innocent wanting to learn/grow/achieve” to an “impulse for control/perfection” in which I tie this very tight rope around my actions. With this tight rope, I feel the necessity to figure out every little piece of knowledge that I need and then moving forward never digress or “mess up.”
This was not what I was expecting to take away the first month into this awareness journey, but it shows me even more that you cannot know or be aware of what is unaware. When awareness emerges from the shadows and vision becomes clearer, what is unveiled could never have been predicted. I think that’s why there is such power being aware. So now I KNOW that this is a common theme throughout my life, which causes my struggle with stress and confidence. I am AWARE that at a point, the switch flips and that it can happen in many aspects of my life. What I don’t know is WHY – I don’t know the deeper meaning, I don’t know WHEN exactly is happens. There are many unknowns. What I do know is that I’m NOT going to micromanage my journey to awareness. Yes there are many things I’d like to learn, but I can’t continue to hunt for the answers to the point that I’ve lost the meaning of the whole journey in general. What I am going to do is stop asking why, how, when. I am going to pull back from an obsession to figure out the meaning or the “solution.” What I am going to do TRUST. Trust that my mind, my body, my soul will help me find the answers through LISTENING.
I’m going to continue listening through breathing – feeling my breath, my body as it moves through each wave of inhalation and exhalation; through being one with nature – taking notice to the world around me; and through meditation – the one-on-one time with my soul, the calming of the mind and body. Through trust and listening, I will relinquish control.